What Daryl Davis can teach us about hard conversations
- Kristen Gyorgak
- Nov 5
- 4 min read
TL;DR: Daryl Davis is a black man who has helped over 200+ white supremacists leave behind their ideologies. How? He approached with genuine curiosity, found things in common and looked to plant the first seed.
Lately I've been running a lot of De-escalation skills and Hard conversations workshops. It's something many of us struggle with and the result? We dodge, dip, duck, dive and dodge these conversations (love a good Dodgeball quote).
Or we have them in a place of anger and hurt, which rarely ends well for either person.
Or we avoid them entirely. Studies have shown that our echo chambers have increased with the rise of social media. How easy is it to block people or pages if we don't like what they're saying? Which then feeds our algorythm to show us more of what we like/agree with OR show us more extreme versions of what we don't like to enrage us (and digitally engage us) more.
So who is Daryl Davis?
Daryl Davis is a black American musician and activist. He's helped 200+ Klansman/white supremists disavow their previous beliefs.
He's collected hoods and robes from those who have left these hate organisations. Daryl was a military brat, so his family moved a lot and he was exposed to multiple cultures and integrated schools.
It made him question: How can you hate me when you don't even know me?
So how does a black man convince white supremists that their hateful ideology is wrong?
For starters, it's not by telling them they're wrong. Even if they are.
Whether you're talking to someone with a different political view, religious view, worldview or workplace view, the easy reaction is to ignore or attack. But that doesn't change minds. In fact, it puts them defense mode and often pushes them deeper into their beliefs/opinions.
What lessons can we take from his work?
Hopefully you aren't dealing with white supremists at your workplace. But maybe you've met people you just can't seem to agree or connect with. So what can we do?
Here are three science backed, relational actions which help people stay open, curious and willing to explore new ideas. The goal is to quiet the amygdala (the brain's threat detector) and activate the pre-frontal cortex (reasoning/logic part of the brain).
1️⃣ Curious > Furious:
You truly have to start from a place of wanting to understand, not condemning or disagreeing. Daryl proves curiosity is more powerful than outrage. Daryl's approach was 100% rooted in curiosity. He met people where they were. He listened and asked questions.
Why it works? Curiosity activates our dopamine system and our pre-frontal cortex (thinking centre). Our empathy, reasoning and self-control go way up. For the other person, when they feel outrage or judgement their threat system fires, cortisol (stress hormone) rises and they literally can't process your logic. They're too busy protecting themselves.
2️⃣Find commonalities:
While you might have some massive differences, finding commonalities with someone else puts our brains in 'safe' mode. Make that person and yourself human. Daryl would connect over music, movies, travel.
Why it works? We activate our Affinity bias (we like people who are like us). Similarities, even small ones, help quiet the amygdala (threat detector).
At work you can align around:
your organisation's purpose and values
a shared team/project goal or outcome
personal things (likes, hobbies, family, where you live, etc.).
3️⃣ Plant the seed, first. Don't push the outcome.
Daryl said he never went into a conversation trying to force someone to change. His whole goal was to plant a seed. Give them some evidence that their beliefs are misguided, but allow them to come to that conclusion on their own.
Why it works? Our brains resist direct persuasion. Our threat system kicks in when we know someone is trying to change our mind. Yeah, but... type stuff happens here. People want to maintain their autonomy.
When we have a difference of opinion at work, we can jump straight to trying to get the other person to agree with us. That can be a losing battle. You can ask open, coaching questions to bring them to their own conclusion instead of pushing yours onto them.
That's one way to look at it. I wonder how this decision might impact [x]. Have you thought about how that might look?
Ahh, I can see your focus is [a]. Would it answer be the same if we looked it from [b's] perspective?
Bridge the gaps through conversations
I'm hopeful that differences you face at work are not on the same scale as those Daryl Davis faces. But, the same neuroscience applies. And as good as it might feel, telling someone how wrong they are isn't going to help. EVEN IF YOU'RE RIGHT!
Having hard conversations is a skill. And one we don't really learn in schools, but then need for life. Healthy teams and workplaces invite in challenging conversations and encourage productive conflict.
But this takes awareness and practice! How to say what you need to say in a way where the other person hears you AND how to listen to other people's views.
What can you do today to help?
🎟️ RSVP to our free Tea & Toast on Challenging conversations you need to have.
📲📩Get in touch to discuss this more!